By Den McLaughlin

dmclaughlin@tnonline.com

The last time I wrote this column I filled it with some Irish jokes. My plans were for some more jokes, but not Irish this time. However, I didn’t know at that time that my next turn would be the day before St. Patrick’s Day. So, you know I have to give some more Irish jokes today.

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Murphy sat in a Belfast confessional.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he said. “I’ve blown up 300 miles of English railroad!”

“All right, my son,” admonished the priest. “For penance, do the stations!”

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Did you hear about the Irish monster who went to night school to learn to read in the dark?

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Did you hear about the Irish kamikaze pilot? He flew 99 missions …

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Did you hear about the Irishman who was stranded for an hour when the escalator broke down?

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Murphy took his car to the mechanic, who told him he needed a new muffler. He went straight home and asked his wife to knit him one.

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A Irishman finds a genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the genie and asks, “Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like?”

Irishman scratches his head, then answers, “A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty.”

“Granted master,” retorted the genie and produced the bottle.

The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for weeks, then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the genie appeared.

“Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?”

“You know that magic, never-ending Guinness bottle?” he asks the genie. “Well, for my final two wishes, I’d like another two of them.”

• • •

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her hometown for a visit, and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of things she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional, and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: “Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out this night, and me without me bloomers on!”

• • •

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea, Pat yelled, “Mick! I lost me finger!”

“Have you now?” says Mick. “And how did you do it?”

“I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Darn! There goes another one!”

• • •

The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.

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The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

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The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.

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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

“S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” said the Irishman. “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

• • •

A young Irish girl goes in to her priest on Saturday morning for confession. “Father, forgive me for I have Thinned.” “You’ve Thinned?”

“Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times.”

“Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink it straight down.”

“Will that wash away me Thin?”

“No, but it will get the silly smile off your face.”

• • •

Farmer McCarthy lived for many years with only his dog for a companion. One sad day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his parish priest and asked if services could be said for his dog.

The good father said, “Oh no, we can’t have services for a dog here, but there’s a new church down the street that might be willing.”

“Father do you think $50,000 might be enough of a donation?” asked farmer McCarthy.

“Well man, why didn’t you tell me your dog was a Catholic!!!?”

• • •

Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone.