Are you a good listener?
By Pattie Mihalik
newsgirl@comcast.net.My friend Lenny sometimes sends me inspirational email.The last one he sent was just a few lines called “The gift of listening.”Coincidentally, that’s a topic my friends and I have been discussing for the past few months. That’s why I paid attention to Lenny’s email.“You must really listen,” said the message.“Don’t interrupt, don’t daydream, don’t respond.“Just listen.”It sounds easy, right? If you don’t have to do anything, it’s just like breathing. You don’t have to think about it to do it.Wrong! Good listening skills aren’t automatically ingrained in us. In fact, the ability to listen is fading fast in this digital age when we have shorter attention spans.In kindergarten, kids are constantly reminded to “be a good listener.” For the rest of us, we’re seldom reminded about the need to be a good listener.If listening were so easy, everyone would do it without fail. But being a good listener is not a common trait.I read with interest a recent social survey that cited “doesn’t listen to what I say” as one of the top relationship complaints.It’ not really a new problem. It’s such an age-old problem that it’s often fodder for comedians. But for many couples, its not a laughing matter.“After a while, couples stop listening to each other. They have to relearn the art of listening,” said one marriage counselor.She called being a good listener “an art.”I think it’s more than an art. It is truly a gift, one that will serve us well in life.I’m sure we all know people who only wait for a pause in conversation so they can take over. Then they go on and on with their own thoughts and opinions. For them, “conversation” is not a two-way street. It’s a monologue.While most people recognize the folly in that and don’t “run at the mouth,” that doesn’t necessarily mean they are good listeners.For too many of us, our thoughts wander elsewhere while someone is talking.Not talking while someone else is speaking doesn’t necessarily mean we are listening, does it?Yet, listening is a critical skill in the work place, in friendships and in families.One woman who is in the process of getting a divorce told me she doesn’t think her husband ever listened to her. Or, he might have heard her voice, but he didn’t hear what she was saying.The inability to listen might have doomed that marriage. It certainly was a contributing factor, according to the wife.On the other hand, the ability to be a good listener can often help relationships.My beautiful friend Becki, who was widowed at an early age, didn’t want a new romance. She turned down all dating offers, saying she wanted to spend her time and energy raising her son.And she did exactly that until six months ago when she decided to date a guy who at first seemed an unlikely candidate for her affection.I asked her why she agreed to date him when she had turned down so many other guys.She didn’t say it was because he was good looking or fun or any of the things one might think a woman wants.Instead, she said she was attracted to him because he has the rare quality of being a good listener.“When we talk, he has a unique way of paying attention. He doesn’t tell me what to think. He doesn’t insert his opinion on everything I say. He simply listens,” Becki related.Becki says it’s been her experience that most guys her age talk about themselves and their interests.“You can start telling a guy about something going on in your life but the next thing you know, he quickly steers the conversation goes back to himself,” she says.When she found someone who cared enough to be a good listener, she was ready explore the possibility of a relationship. So far, it’s working.I value the fact that being a good listener is among my husband’s many great traits.Even when I think he’s not taking what I say to heart, he’ll surprise me later by showing he did, indeed, hear with his heart as well as with his ears. I love that about him.But I’ve learned that ability to listen falls by the wayside when I’m not a good communicator.Even though communication is one of my strong points, there are times when I blow it.We’ve all heard the old expression, “It’s not what you say. It’s how you say it that counts.”Well, I admit sometimes I fail to remember that.But, hey, life is one great big learning experience. No matter how old we are, we have to keep learning and keep adjusting.One thing I’ve learned is that when it comes to communication between a husband and wife, when is as important as how.If there’s something important I need to tell my husband, I’ve learned not to do it when he’s concentrating on something. If he’s in his den engrossed in a project, I’ve learned I can’t just walk in and think he’ll remember what I say.As they say, timing is everything.Sometimes it seems to take a lifetime to acquire listening skills.So here’s a question: Are you a good listener?Contact Pattie Mihalik at