By Pattie Mihalik

newsgirl@comcast.net

As I was leaving the library after my weekly visit, I was laden down with books. Mostly I take out four at a time. This time I had five, in addition to the three used paperbacks I bought for an upcoming trip.

No way was I going to take another book.

But then an intriguing book caught my eye. The slim volume was simply labeled “How to fight.”

I glanced at it, then walked away. Before I got out the door, my curiosity brought me back to examine the book.

Years ago I lamented how library shelves and bookstores are filled with all sorts of “how to” books about marriage. I never saw one about fighting.

Knowing it would be a good topic for a column, I took the little book home. It’s always been my contention you can’t have a happy marriage until both spouses know how to fight in a way that won’t critically wound each other.

Oh, are you sitting there thinking, “People who love each other don’t fight.” The truth is, we all think that. Yet, eventually every one does.

The essential thing is HOW you fight.

I have observed many marriages that failed because the spouses gave each other gaping wounds with each fight. Not physical ones, of course. But emotional wounds can be fatal, too.

I do have to admit when I was preparing for marriage I didn’t think we needed lessons on how to fight because we loved each other. We would never fight. Of course not.

Fortunately, the required marriage preparation course we took taught us a little bit about how to resolve conflicts.

As I recall the most often used word of advice was “communicate.” Most of us know that turning communicate from a word to an everyday practice is not as easy as one would think.

Experts tell us couples that feel free to share their feelings with each other stand a better chance at a successful marriage. But sharing is more than talking. It’s knowing when to talk and when to listen.

Some of us are much better at talking. Others are better at listening. Striking a balance where both share is essential, experts say.

Most of all, it’s letting your partner know you can be trusted to respect his or her expressed feelings.

When we took our marriage preparation class two facilitators told us they had a successful marriage because of one main practice: They never went to bed angry. They claimed they made sure to resolve their differences before they went to sleep. That way, when they got up the next day there were no lingering bad feelings.

It sounded good. Plus, it’s a biblical concept, too.

After marriage many of us learn that not all issues can be resolved so readily. And if we followed the rule of not going to sleep angry, it might sometimes mean staying awake for days at a time.

In other words, not every piece of advice works in every situation for every couple.

In my own marriage when we had an unresolved issue, we found the important thing that worked for us was to keep communicating our feelings in an open but nonconfrontational way.

Marriage counselors say seething in silence rather than talking about an issue is a major pitfall to avoid. Hurts that are locked inside fester like an infected wound.

Comedians make jokes about it.

What’s wrong, one partner asks, knowing “the silent treatment” means there is a problem.

“Nothing” the other partner answers, continuing to stew in silence.

I went into marriage with another big rule: No yelling. No raising your voice. We both stuck to that, resolving conflicts by talking at the kitchen table.

My brother in-law and his wife weren’t marriage counselors but they taught us quite a bit about marital conflict.

They taught by example, a real-life example of what not to do if you want a happy marriage.

They had their first fight on their honeymoon in Chicago. And through the years, every time they had a fight they went over every past conflict they ever had, starting with their Chicago honeymoon.

The “How to Fight” book I picked up in the library was written by Thich Nhat Hanh, a well-known Zen teacher. He starts off by proclaiming that never before in history did we have so many means of communication, yet we remain islands without any real communication between us.

It’s a small book with some mighty big Zen ideas. He talks about our desire to hurt the one we believe has hurt us. We want to punish the other person. Instead, he suggests increasing our own understanding of our self as well as the other person.

He makes the point that often when we think another person is the problem, the real problem is within us.

Those who understand a bit of the Zen philosophy know that it believes we all carry the power of peace within us, a peace that can be achieved through mindful practice such as breathing and self control.

While the book has some good, practical advice, it isn’t a cure-all. Nothing is.

My own thinking is to fight less, love more. Love yourself. Love those around you. Love life. Love each moment too much to let negative emotion steal it away.

It’s my own Zen philosophy. What’s yours?

Contact Pattie Mihalik at newsgirl@comcast.net.