Some humor to brighten your Saturday morning.

Remember what the valet who parked your car looks like - because we do not have valet parking.

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How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1,000 for it.

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To get rid of unwanted junk during the holidays … put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.

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A married man’s honest confession: “I always read my wife’s horoscope to see what kind of day I am going to have.”

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I’m bored. I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with the reverse lights on.

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If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

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When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

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Interviewer: So tell me about yourself. Me: I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.

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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

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Sixty might be the new 40 but 9 p.m. is the new midnight.

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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

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When I say “the other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

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I don’t mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

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I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

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If you answer the phone with “Hello, you’re on the air!” most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

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That moment when you walk into a spider web and suddenly turn into a karate master.

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When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

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The older I get the earlier it gets late.

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I remember being able to get up without making sound effects … good times.

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My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

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I run like the winded.

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Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you right out.

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Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. … We call these people cops.

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When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

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And finally,

Cop, “Please step out of the car.”

Me, “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

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Hope you enjoyed. Have a great weekend.