By Pattie Mihalik

newsgirl@comcast.net

“Hi there, how are you?”

If someone greets you like this, do you say “fine” and walk away because you think no one really wants to know?

Or do you chat a little?

I ask that question because it just came up on one of our online group discussion sites.

One man wrote in to say his wife told him to stop asking people how they are. She said it’s silly and annoying.

“No one really wants to know how you are,” she said. “And the last thing people want is for someone who is practically a stranger to stand there holding them up while they recite all their woes.”

Her husband wanted to get the opinion of others, so he posed the question on our discussion site.

He thinks saying, “How are you?” is just one way of being friendly.

His wife said those words are meaningless and we should stop saying them.

So, what did others think?

They agreed with the wife.

One woman said she never thought about it before, but after following the discussion she saw how it could be annoying.

“I guess I’ll stop asking that question,” she said.

I don’t often join in discussions on that site, but I did this time. I said there are many times when asking “How are you” can lead to new friendships or relationships.

Socially, It’s nothing more than something that breaks the ice and allows people to chat more, if that’s what they want.

I shared some of the following experiences to demonstrate how good things sometimes can spring from a simple friendly query.

In early December when I was going for a walk through the neighborhood, I said “good morning” when I saw an old man sitting on the porch.

I like to say “good morning” to people I see on my walks. It’s just a simple courtesy.

The older gentleman followed my greeting by saying, “How are you?”

After we exchanged simple pleasantries, he told me he and his wife were hosting a neighborhood Christmas party. He invited my husband and me to come.

I thought it would be a good way to meet neighbors, so we went. We had a good time and met some possible friends, including the interesting host and his wife.

All that came from a friendly exchange I had with a guy who was a stranger at the time. Now we are no longer strangers. We’re making plans for a get-together for boating. Once, when I was on a kayak trip with a new group, I paddled up to a woman I didn’t know and said, “How are you doing?”

She told me it was the first time she kayaked with the group. As we continued to chat we discovered we lived a block from each other.

That was 10 years ago and we have been best friends ever since.

It’s been a rewarding friendship for both of us. But it never would have happened if I didn’t “break the ice” by asking how she was doing.

A friend of mine had a nice experience while standing in a long line at the post office. To pass the time she started making a bit of idle conversation with the guy standing in front of her.

Right before Christmas lines were longer than usual so they had more time to chat. When she walked out of the post office after mailing her package, her new acquaintance was waiting for her. He asked if she wanted to go for coffee and chat some more.

They have since started dating. She isn’t sure if anything serious will come from it all, but they never would have gotten together if she didn’t first start some simple social exchanges.

Some of the people on our discussion site said it’s disingenuous to ask a casual acquaintance or a stranger how they are.

Well, she’s right about one thing. Many times when that happens we give an automatic response by saying we are fine, even when we’re not.

I have an example when that happened to me.

Following outpatient surgery I started getting some bizarre symptoms in the middle of the night and thought I’d better go to the emergency room.

So there I was at 2 in the morning in the emergency waiting room. When a casual acquaintance walked in I asked how she was.

“I’m fine,” she said. “How are you?”

I said I was fine, too.

There she was sitting there with a blood-soaked towel wrapped around her hand while I was waiting at 2 in the morning for a doctor.

But we were both “fine.”

My wicked sense of humor thought to myself, “Of course we’re fine. We’re just sitting here in the emergency room at this ungodly hour because we don’t have anything better to do.”

Of course that makes the point that some idle social discourse is meaningless.

For the most part, I think we mostly know when not to give an answer that’s too detailed when someone asks, “How are you?”

When it’s a close friend of mine who does the asking, I normally answer truthfully. I just give a cursory answer to those I don’t know well.

What about you?

Do you shy away from social discourse with strangers? Or, do you believe good things might spring from casual encounters?

Contact Pattie Mihalik at newsgirl@comcast.net.