“That’s not my job.” My least favorite four words. Words that seem to be on repeat in a house full of teenagers.

After Steve died, we had to redistribute chores, and just as we were finding our balance, A went away to school, and so now we’re back to squabbles every time a chore comes up that someone doesn’t think belongs on their to-do list.

“That’s not my job” is also the adult version of “not it.” Recently, I’ve had the occasion to need to work together with a few different interdisciplinary teams. Since I was new to the team, I intended to keep my mouth shut, my ears open, and get the lay of the land. It didn’t take long to determine that most people’s goal in the group was to get out of it with as little responsibility as possible.

Whether or not it was my mom training, or just fundamentally who I am, I had to wage an almost constant battle with myself to just say “fine, I’ll do it” when it became clear no one wanted to pick up a particular role or job.

Ironically, these four words were basically my mantra in the months after Steve died, usually as I encountered stumbling blocks as I tried to adapt to the chores that he used to do easily.

As the dogs misbehaved, they heard how it wasn’t my job to train them. As I learned how to run a chain saw and split wood, I said it as I swung the maul over my head. Gradually, it turned into “this is my job now.” I still say it with a lot of anger and sadness, but sometimes, admittedly I do add just a touch of pride to it.

Another place we run across that line is in our schools. “It’s not the school’s job to feed kids, discipline kids, teach kids about tough, controversial subjects, etc., etc., etc.” We have been hearing quite a lot about the things that “aren’t the government’s job” as well. It seems that people have pretty strong opinions on things that aren’t people’s jobs.

I’ve kicked around a variety of ways to deal with that attitude in our house. I can’t say that any one of them works better or worse than another. So far, good old fashioned guilt trips seem to be the most effective way to get people to stop complaining and pitch in, but honestly, it’s not my job to do the trip planning all the time. Sometimes, I resort to threats and/or bribes.

At the end of the day, I’ve tried to impress upon the kids that doing what our family needs them to do is their job. Some days, that might mean cleaning the bathroom. Other days, it might just be getting their homework done and putting their laundry away. And, still other days it might be just leaving one another alone and not being the most annoying sibling on the planet to keep the peace so mom doesn’t lose her marbles for the eighty-seventh time. Things change quickly around here.

The primary reason that my kids choose to be “not it” is usually because there is something else they’d rather be doing. Or because their siblings are currently getting away with having a fractionally smaller amount of work to do than they are. Or because sharing a bathroom with siblings is just gross and no one should have to clean up after such slobs. Or, any one of a thousand other reasons. Making excuses, it seems, is a job everyone happily accepts.

The thing about a job, though, is that it’s work that everyone recognizes needs to be done. A job that, if not done, could lead to more dire consequences down the road. A job that, chances are, if it isn’t done, could lead to a lot more work needing to be done down the road. A job that, if done by someone without the right experience, could take longer or not be done as well.

I’m still trying to figure this out in my own household. I’ve also noticed that it’s a fine line between “that’s not my job” and being a doormat where everyone else drops their responsibilities. For now, I’ve tasked the kids with replacing “that’s not my job” with “what I can do to help is …”

Liz Pinkey’s column appears on Saturdays in the Times News