Their lifestyle is similar to most people. They hold responsibility with gainful employment and take care of all of their family’s material needs. They can be kind at times and admired in social circles for their intelligence which covers just about any and every topic of conversation.

They thrive on having an adoring audience and relationships that stroke their egos. Their method of controlling a psychological advantage can be subtle or overt, but that control is there; it’s always there.

They are called gaslighters, another term for narcissists, not necessarily self-created, and they come in both female and male versions. As children, many gaslighters were the golden child of their family and got the lion’s share of their parents’ attention. They were told how handsome or how beautiful they were. While the other children in the family were often ignored or scolded for their mistakes, this kid was the apple of his parents’ eyes and could do no wrong. His self-image was elevated with constant praise. These prima donnas become adults who cannot take one ounce of criticism. Underneath their self-important postures, however, are deep rooted insecurities that they cast upon others to gratify themselves.

Author Tracy Malone says, “Gaslighting is mind control that make victims doubt their reality.” The nature of gaslighting is built upon condescension. The victim at hand might be unaware and becomes reliant and enamored of the know-it-all attitude of the mind controller.

A family conversation involving a gaslighter and his or her victim might go like this.

Victim: I think Dad needs to join a senior citizen group for some social time. He’s very lonely.

Gaslighter: No good. He wouldn’t like it and I don’t even have to ask him.

V: He stays at home by himself too much. I can tell he’s depressed.

GL: You’re blowing things out of proportion. He’s fine by himself.

V: Did you ask him?

GL: I don’t need to ask him. I just know. You’re making something up that doesn’t matter and by the way, when you go there and make his bed for him, don’t put the comforter on it. He doesn’t like that. It’s too hot when he sleeps.

V: He never complained to me about that. Did he tell you? I’m confused.

GL: He doesn’t have to tell me. I know him better than you do. You get confused a lot over nothing. I’ve been noticing that for quite a while.

For the victim to remain the victim is simple. Allow the gaslighter to continue to belittle. Author, Christine E. Szymanski describes a common behavior. “Shying away from any uncomfortable conversation is a trauma response. Survival mode automatically kicks in to fend off any past feelings of being ignored, disliked, or just plainly yelled at for speaking at all. Remember this, your thoughts and feelings matter. Never ever settle for anyone who doesn’t think so too.”

The problem doesn’t go away if you stand up to gaslighters. They will try to humiliate you in other ways. Perhaps they will mock you to another group of people because they need to exchange your defiance in return for attention and adoration elsewhere. Szymanski adds, “The more you try to squeeze the toxicity out of someone, the more their poison is soaked up by you.”

The Ananias Foundation defines gaslighting as a psychological manipulation that makes the recipients question their feelings, instincts, and even their sanity. The term was derived from a 1930s stage play and a 1940s movie in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the gas lights in their home, but denying to her that the brightness of the light had ever changed.

The Foundation also reports that gaslighters have an artillery of psychological weapons to use. Some include questioning one’s memory of events even though they are remembered correctly and another is trivializing the victim’s feelings as being too sensitive when the person’s reaction is in tune with usual behavior.

Alyssa Mancao, a therapist experienced in helping victims of gaslighters, suggests several ways to handle them. “Stand firm in your truth,” she says. “That means believing in yourself, your feelings and what you know to be true. Be willing to leave the conversation. Practice self-validation and when you recognize that the conversation is feeling circular or unfair, then simply walk away because the gaslighting will only continue.”

Mancao adds, “A person who is gaslighting will blatantly lie, shift the narrative, and will minimize how you feel. Entering the conversation knowing your purpose will help you remain centered on a path versus being veered in the different directions that a gaslighting person may take you.”

This can be a real problem; it can be divisive, especially in families where the gaslighter is praised by some members, but challenged by others.

Poet Laura Gentile makes a powerful statement about this narcissistic form of control in one sentence. “You took advantage of every second I did not love myself.”

She implies that loving yourself is the key to standing on a level playing field with gaslighters. You can never change them or even get them to see life through your eyes because they are unwilling or incapable. All you can do is stand tall and claim your self- worth. Then, the gaslighters will know you’re onto their attempts at manipulation. You’ll drive them away and they will search for new victims to control.

Rich Strack can be reached at richiesadie11@gmail.com