I think one of the things that I find so difficult to deal with in this whole grieving process is the roller coaster. So many times, over the last few months I’ve heard from people, “you do what you need to do for you.”

Unfortunately, what I need to do doesn’t always match up with what the people around me need or want from me.

As more time passes, the people who are the farthest out of my orbit, whose lives have been the least impacted by Steve’s loss, have gotten back to “normal,” and they may find it hard to understand why I still have days when all I want to do is sit and cry, or why I am still paralyzed when it comes to doing things that Steve and I did together.

Recently, some people around me were having a conversation about pumpkin carving, and I had to get up and walk away. Pumpkin carving was always a huge event in our house, involving giant pumpkins, power tools, elaborate stencils, you name it.

In our old house, we covered everything with plastic tablecloths and went crazy. There would be pumpkin guts everywhere until they were done. Once we moved to the farm, we would get a fire going in the fire pit and go crazy outside. Even thinking about that now triggers a breakdown for me, and as we get closer to Halloween, it’s getting worse.

I anticipate that the holidays are going to bring many similar situations, as Steve was always over the top with festivities, and I don’t look forward to trying to maintain composure or making people uncomfortable with my tears or silence as holiday gatherings commence.

Over the last few weeks, as hunting season has gotten going, a lot of Steve’s friends have reached out to me to tell me they miss him or they’re thinking of him now that it’s hunting season. While I am always grateful to know that others are thinking of him, especially when they’re doing activities that he loved, it has also been hard to hear from people that I haven’t heard from in months.

Part of me just wants to scream, “how haven’t you been missing him and thinking about him every minute of every day since January?” Truly, I know that they have, and truly, I am glad to hear from them, but like most things, there is no clear-cut answer or right way to deal with things and everything comes back to the fact that all of us wish we didn’t have to miss him at all.

Then, I have those closest to me, and to Steve, including the kids. I haven’t written about them very much because this has been difficult for them, and I don’t want to add complications by putting their emotions and reactions out there for public consumption. But juggling four people’s extreme emotions has been stressful. Obviously, the kids and their mental and physical health have been my main priorities since Jan. 8.

Early on, I got so much advice from many people who have been through this, many people who really have no idea what this is like, and several professionals. And, what I’ve learned from all of it is that we have to find our own way and there is no one thing that works for everyone.

For example, one of the most common “answers” people gave me was to make sure that the kids saw me grieve. Well, I tried to do that and a few months into this, during the course of a conversation with one of the kids, I found out that me crying or breaking down was really upsetting to them and they asked me to try not to do that in front of them. On the other hand, one of the kids comes to me regularly and asks that we have a cry together. Trying to be both of those parents is an exercise in mental gymnastics that I am having trouble sticking the landing on.

Recently, I had a conversation with another person who has lost their life partner, and they said to me that no one can really understand this until they go through it. I frequently think back to the night before Steve died, when I was having a conversation with a friend who recently lost her husband, and I said over and over again that I had no idea how I would handle losing Steve. We still talk about that conversation, and I still think I have no idea how to handle losing Steve. I often think about how this is so much different from losing my grandparents and even my dad.

My grandmother and I were extremely close, and I was sad to lose her, but she was 89, had lived long enough to meet her great-grandchildren, and slipped away quietly in her sleep. Her life could be appreciated for its fullness.

Losing my dad was a shock, but it still followed the natural course of events, and it was something we knew we would have to face at some point. While my dad always would have had more to teach us and more wisdom to share, he did such a good job of doing that while he was here that when I do feel like I need his advice, I know that if I think long and hard enough about all the things he taught me over the years, I will find the answer eventually.

Losing Steve when and how I did allowed for none of that closure, and I doubt I will ever find it. More importantly, I doubt that I ever want to find it. I don’t ever want there to be a day when I don’t miss him with every fiber of my being. I don’t ever want there to be a day when I don’t mourn for the loss of the life he should have had.

This past year seems to have been a rough one for many people. Almost every month, and sometimes every week, I hear of another family who has lost someone unexpectedly, or faced some sort of life-altering tragedy, which is why I am writing this now, with a plea for all of you.

The holidays are coming, and you truly can’t know what people are going through, but whatever it is, the holidays may not make it any easier. In general, I try to live by being kind because you don’t know what people are going through, but now more than ever, how important that really is.

Take a moment and try to listen to those around you, especially those who may be going through something. Put your own needs or wants aside for a moment, and in the true spirit of giving, try to be the people they need you to be. They may not be able to say it, or even act like it, but know that they will be thankful for it.

Liz Pinkey is a contributing writer to the Times News.