Do you find it easy to make new friends?

Social scientists tell us as we get older, it’s not as easy as it once was to make new friends.

Two of my friends say it’s not hard for them to make new friends - it’s impossible.

I insisted to them it should be easy to make friends in our area because so many people here are newcomers. A recent newspaper headline said our area of Florida is one of the fastest growing place in the country.

As people flock here from other states they had to leave behind families and their former support system.

That should mean a lot of people are out there looking to build new friendships.

Yet, therapist and friendship researcher Miriam Kirmayer says over time, it gets harder for adults to form meaningful friendship.

I never heard of a “friendship researcher” until lately when the International Association of Relationship Researchers released its study on friendships.

The researchers concluded the essential building blocks of friendships are harder to come by when you’re older.

When you’re a kid you will stand outside a home and holler, “Hey Billy, wanna play?”

We don’t come close to doing that as an adult. And when we are older adults, our insecurities come into play. “We all have this tendency to think we’re more likely to be rejected that we actually are,” says psychologist Marisa Franco.

I tend to be outgoing and find it easy to talk to people for one main reason - I honestly enjoy people and I sincerely like the opportunity to talk with strangers. One never knows what will come from each contact.

I once took a Myers Briggs personality class where we were given this definition.

An introvert is someone who feels drained after sustained people contact while an extrovert feels energized.

I definitely feel energized after talking with someone. If I have no people contact for a day or two I start to feel like a dried plant in need of water.

I find most people contact is enjoyable, even if it yields nothing special. Just being with people energizes me.

Every now and then I find someone I would like to know better. When that happens, I’m not reluctant to reach out. Sometimes the result is rewarding.

Here’s one example. Phyllis is one woman I’ve wanted to know better. At our Christmas party I asked her if she wanted to have lunch someday.

The lunch was great because we had so much in common and had the best conversation. It was the start of good friendship that never would have happened if I didn’t issue that initial invitation.

I do admit that not every new encounter results in a friend. But we don’t know unless we try.

For many, that’s the hard part. They don’t want to make a friendship overture because they are afraid of rejection.

One recently divorced man who is trying to enlarge his social circle said he never knows what to say.

He told me about talking with an old acquaintance when they met at the grocery store. She told him she was divorced too and he got the sense she would be open to getting together.

But he didn’t know how to approach it. He said he was tempted to ask her if she wanted to go for dinner but kept worrying she might not want to.

My suggestion is to simply say, “Hey, do you want to go for coffee?”

It’s not very intimidating to meet for coffee or a drink and doesn’t have to be a long encounter.

If she agrees to coffee and if they seem to hit it off then he could offer dinner.

But first, he has to get over his fear of rejection and just do it.

He’s a fisherman and knows that every time he puts his line in the water he doesn’t catch a fish. So he tries again.

Socials scientists are right when they say it gets harder to reach out to someone when you are older. Kids don’t think twice about it and they have a much more casual attitude toward socializing.

Kids also have the advantage of “hanging out together.” We don’t have as much chance to do that when we’re older.

After the kids move out or after retirement, many find themselves with more time on their hands.

Those who use some of that time to join an activity increase the odds of better social interaction.

A friend of mine joined her church choir and found more than a chance to sing. She found new friendships and through those friendships she found the perfect partner.

When I joined two kayak clubs, I had that same kind of rewarding experience.

Experts tell us social interactions, even brief ones, are physically and mentally rewarding.

It goes without saying that exchanging a smile and perhaps some friendly chitchat during our brief encounters can be a way to get to know others.

On my morning walks I encounter other walkers and find it’s a way to meet some of the new neighborhood people.

First we exchange smiles, then we chat a bit. Right now we are friendly neighbors.

Who knows, we might even evolve into friends.

Contact Pattie Mihalik at newsgirl@comcast.net.