St. Patrick’s Day was just two days ago so I thought it would be fun to share some Irish jokes.

An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, “Son, it’s time for you to get me a Protestant minister.” The son is astounded.

“But, Dad!” he protests, “You’ve been a good Catholic all your life! You’re delirious. It’s a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister.” The old man looks up at him and says, “Son, please. It’s me last request. Get a minister for me!” “But, Dad,” cries the son, “Ye raised me a good Catholic. You’ve been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don’t want a minister at a time like this!”

The old man manages to croak out the words, “Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you’ll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now.” The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him.

As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O’Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. “I’m afraid you’re too late, Father,” he says. “He’s a Protestant now.”

Father O’Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man’s room. “Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?” he cries. “You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary’s together! You were there when I performed my first Mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?” “Well,” the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. “I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of ‘them’ than one of ‘us.’?”

• • •

Young O’Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. “Father,” he said breathlessly, “I’ve just shot down two British lieutenants!” Hearing no response he went on: “I also knocked off a British captain!” When there was still no response from the priest, O’Donnell said, “Father, have ye fainted?” “Of course I haven’t fainted,” replied the confessor. “I’m waitin’ for you to stop talkin’ politics and commence confessin’ your sins!”

• • •

One little atheist boy’s parents were very concerned about his grades in school. They noticed that his study habits were poor, that he wouldn’t concentrate, and that he had zero initiative as far as homework was concerned, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. They noticed an immediate improvement in his overall school performance, especially in math. Every day he would come home from school and promptly head upstairs and begin studying his numbers. Amazed, his parents asked him what it was that motivated him to study so hard.

“Is it that the nuns are so strict with you getting your schoolwork finished?” they asked. “No,” said the boy. “Is it that the subjects they are giving you are challenging to you?” “No,” responded the boy.

“What is it, then, that makes you so eager to study at this new school?” they queried. “Well,” said the boy, “my very first day of school at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, I was sitting in class, looking around and not paying much attention. Then I looked up and saw this naked guy nailed to a plus sign, and I figured they must mean business!”

• • •

Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. “Well, how can I help you little people?” asked Mother Superior. The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked “oh Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?” “No,” says Mother Superior, “I don’t have any midget nuns here at the convent.”

“All right then, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?”

“No, no,” replied Mother Superior, “I don’t know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all.” “Well then Mother Superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?”

“No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!” replied Mother Superior, “and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?” The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said “See, it’s as I told you all along, you’ve been dating a Penguin”

• • •

“Hello, Pan American Airlines?” said Big Mick Lonegan. “Could ye be tellin’ me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?” The voice on the telephone said “I’ll see sir, just a minute.” “Ahh, ‘tis fast. Thank ye,” Mick said as he hung up.

• • •

And finally,

A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he said to the priest, “Father, that was a damned good sermon you gave, damned good!”

“I’m happy you liked it,” said the priest. “But I wish you wouldn’t use those terms in expressing yourself.”

“I can’t help it,” said the rich farmer. “I still think it was a damned good sermon. In fact, I liked it so much I put a 50-pound note in the collection basket.”

“The hell you did?!” replied the priest.

Hope you enjoyed. A belated Happy St. Patrick’s Day.