’Tis the season to be jolly, filled with the good cheer of Christmas.

But what if you’re not feeling that joy? What if your Christmas season is filled with a tinge of sadness?

While there are some rough seas in my life, right now my heart is definitely brimming with the joy of the season.

But I am forced to be sensitive to the fact that Christmas isn’t a happy time for everyone. Many struggle to get through this season when they are mired in sadness while everyone else seems to be enjoying it.

I have never had a time like this when so many of my friends are grieving the loss of loved ones or trying to cope with serious illness.

That probably has much to do with my age. When I was younger and most of my friends were too, we seldom were forced to deal with crippling health problems or the grief of losing a loved one. We thought our biggest Christmas challenge was getting everything done on time.

I remember so many years when I wanted to shout “But I’m not ready” when Christmas arrived. Like many other women I scrambled to finish my Christmas shopping in between work, extra baking and holiday preparations for my family’s visit.

What I didn’t realize back then is that it was all a joyful problem to have.

As we get older our problems aren’t always that fixable.

My friend Janet just lost her husband of many years. My friend Al is struggled to cope with the death of his wife and two other friends lost their mothers during the holiday season.

Losing a loved one is difficult any time. It’s even harder during the Christmas season.

Two people who are precious to me have terminal conditions and are probably facing their last Christmas.

All that saddens me as I spend time with them.

Writer Gwen Cote has been a beacon of light in her uplifting spiritual essays, even as she, too, is trying to cope with her mother’s death.

“It does not help to push back the feelings of sadness, pretending they are not there,” she says. “Trying to mask the feelings of loss and loneliness only deepens feelings of sorrow.”

What helps, Gwen says, is seeing Christmas in a new and broader way. She stresses Christmas is the birth of love unsurpassed. “It’s God’s love born in the child Jesus.

“We know God’s loving touch through those we are blessed to love in our lives.

Remembering that love can gladden our hearts,” she says.

Not everyone is consoled in the same way.

My friend Janet says when she thinks about the love her late husband showered on her it makes her miss him more.

I understand what she means. After my husband Andy died, it took three years before I could think of him without pain.

Now, with the passage of time, I find thinking about Andy’s unselfish love and devotion makes me feel blessed to have shared that love for more than 42 years.

Gwen says she can’t feel festive this year by following the same traditions she had for years when she celebrated with her mother.

Instead of putting up a big Christmas tree as they always did, she handmade a tiny, whimsical tree.

Well, I can certainly relate to that.

After Andy died I had no heart to put up a big tree as we always did. I told my friend Mary I wanted a bare birch branch because I thought it was more symbolic of what I was feeling inside.

Mary went out and found the perfect birch branch and planted it in a tub for me. I decorated it only with birds. I have always found joy in birds. For me, they have an almost mystical appeal.

That bird Christmas tree became my new Christmas tradition for many years.

Gwen wisely says we can remain rooted in joy during any emotional storm as long as we remember joy is possible and continually nurture its growth.

“Joy is a gift from God but we must tend it,” she says.

I need to tend to the joy inside me by finding things that work for me during this hard Christmas season when I will be without my family for the first time.

I concentrate on little things that I enjoy. I lounge in my colorful super-soft Christmas PJs that make me feel good whenever I wear them.

I pamper myself with warm vanilla body wash and lavender soap, enjoying the soothing smell.

I find that Christmas music is a great mood lifter.

I especially like Mannheim Steamroller’s Christmas albums, especially their rendition of “Silent Night.” It’s the best I ever heard.

When I need to relax enough to fall asleep I listen to Dan Gibson’s “Christmas in the Country.” I close my eyes and hear the sleigh bells, picturing a horse-drawn sleigh on a snowing night.

As someone who truly loves people I find that most people contact, even of a short duration, makes me feel good.

It also helps when you get out of your own head. Visit friends and give them your full attention.

Most of all I concentrate on what I do have, not what I don’t have.

Regardless of circumstances, we can all find Christmas joy, even if we have to work to find it.

Contact Pattie Mihalik at newsgirl@comcast.net.