By Dennis McLaughlin

The COVID-19 pandemic put a damper on most St. Patrick’s Day festivities last year but hopefully it will be a little better this year. Today I offer some Irish humor to brighten your Saturday.

• • •

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all ye say there?” The agent said, “Certainly ye have … Why d’ye ask?” Replied Murphy, “Cancel the sale … ’tis too good to part with.”

• • •

Kieran O’Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

“Thank the Lord I wasn’t sleeping at the other end of the bed,” Kieran said to his friends in Donegal’s pub. “I would have blown my head off.”

• • •

An Irishman, by the name of O’Malley, proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real. The young lass upon learning it wasn’t real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

“It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” he smiled.

“I gave you a sham rock.”

• • •

Four Irish men board a train for a long journey to a conference. Shortly into the trip, one says, “Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins.”

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first one says “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system.”

They all look each other again nervously, but the next one slowly starts “Wellll … with me, it’s gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system.”

The third, who is really nervous now, reluctantly says, “This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and I REEEEAAALLY get it out of my system.”

They all look at the fourth one, waiting. He doesn’t say anything. Then one of the four speaks up “Come now, we’ve all told our innermost faults. It’s your turn.” He looks at the others and starts hesitantly, “Welllllll … I’m an inveterate gossip, and I can’t wait to get off this train!”

• • •

An Irish priest and a rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!” The priest asks him, “Are you all right, rabbi?” The rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.” The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, “Here, drink some of this, it will calm your nerves.”

The rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?” “Well,” the priest says, “I don’t know what your aft’ to be tellin’ them. But I’ll be tellin’ them I wasn’t the one drinkin’.”

• • •

And finally,

Irish ghost story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming toward him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door … only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying … and wasn’t drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other …

“Look Paddy … there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!”