Imagine if early 19th century author Mark Twain sat in a coffee shop last week and I got the assignment from the Times News to interview him and ask his opinions about the state of the union and other matters. Some of his famous quotes are incorporated into this interview.

Me: What’s your advice about what appears to be the alarming rise of moral decay in America?

Twain: Well, if you’re a good person, you’ll be awfully lonesome. When you die, you can go to heaven for the climate, but if you lie, cheat and steal, you can go to hell for the company.

Me: With fake news and social media lies, we can’t seem to trust that anyone tells the truth anymore.

Twain: It’s the law of human nature. Get your facts first. Then distort them as you please. A lie can run around the world six times while the truth is still trying to put on its pants. There are lies, damn lies and statistics, but if you always tell the truth, you never have to remember anything.

Me: Some are saying these are the end of days, that the prophets had predicted the end of the world is imminent. If this is true, how would you prepare yourself for your last days?

Twain: If the world is coming to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there 10 years later.

Me: We seem to be a population of people who talk about change, but do little to actually make change. We make plans, but we don’t put them into action. What’s your take on this?

Twain: Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often. I always believed that you should never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Me: Some think there is a decline in patriotism in America and a growing disappointment with the federal government. Should we be concerned?

Twain: Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. A patriot is the one who hollers the loudest and doesn’t know what he’s hollering about.

Me: We are told voting is the most powerful weapon we have to redirect the course our country is taking. How important is it that every American cast a vote?

Twain: If voting really mattered, they wouldn’t let us do it. And by the way, if we would learn what the human race really is at the bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

Me: What about the overall state of common sense? It seems to have vanished, even at the highest of intelligent and education levels. People seem to say the dumbest things.

Twain: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt. However, we need not worry. Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them, the rest of us could not succeed.

Me: We hold this belief that the younger generations feel they’re entitled to have a good life without having to do much to get it. What would you tell them?

Twain: Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first, long before you.

Me: Your novel “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn has been banned by hundreds of school districts for its racial overtones and use of the “N” word. What’s your response to this?

Twain: First of all, while growing up, I never let my schooling interfere with my education. Should I be condemned for using a word in my book that was historically accurate? I paid for a black student’s education at Yale Law School through his graduation in 1887. I do not believe I would very cheerfully help a white student who would ask a benevolence of a stranger, but I do not feel so about the other color. We have ground the manhood out of them, and the shame is ours, not theirs, and we should pay for it. As for banning my book, God made idiots for practice. Then he made school boards.

Me: Mr. Twain, how should one live his life?

Twain: Well, we’re always told to resist temptation and there are several good protectors against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. Everyone needs to be loved, and when you fish for love, use your heart as bait and not your brain. Health is important, too. The only way to keep health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

Me: And then you’ll be happy?

Twain: Nope. Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination. Life would be infinitely happier if we were born at the age of 80 and gradually worked our way back to 18. When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. When I was a boy of 14, my father was ignorant. I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Me: We are a culture of impatience. Any advice on how we can be better?

Twain: All good things come to those who wait - and don’t die in the meantime.

Me: What about dying and in particular, your own?

Twain: The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. One time I didn’t go to a funeral, but I sent a nice note saying I approved of it. Here are my final words of advice. Let us so live that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry.

Rich Strack can be reached at richiesadie11@gmail.com.