By Den McLaughlin

Today I am using words for a little laughter.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

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To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

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When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

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Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”

Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

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Cop: “Please step out of the car.”

Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

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I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

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I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

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If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

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When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

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Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9 p.m. is new midnight.

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I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

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I run like the winded.

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I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

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When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

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I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

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When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

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I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

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When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

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It’s the start of a brand-new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

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Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

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That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

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Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

Hope you enjoyed.