As I usual do when I write this column, I try to start the weekend and put a smile on your face with a few jokes. Today the medical profession.

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A man comes into the ER and yells … “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs … and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

“Big breaths,” I instructed.

“Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

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During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications?

“Which one?” I asked.

“The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!”

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over 50 patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, Virginia

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I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

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As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. was I tickling you?”

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, “No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I Wish I Was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”

Dr. Wouldn’t Submit His Name

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And finally …

Baby’s First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed,” she replied. “Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did and he pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

Hope you enjoyed.