A reader, who is a family caregiver, wants to know how to redirect the attention away from her and back to her mother, the care recipient.

She asks how to respond when a medical professional directs their attention, and words, to a family member or caregiver rather than to the senior?

“Having helped my mother after she fell and fractured several vertebrae, I encounter the situation multiple times. A doctor, nurse or physical therapist explains things to me rather than to her, who is sitting right there. She is perfectly capable of understanding a diagnosis or how many pills to take. I have nonverbally tried to direct the culprit’s attention to my mother, but I feel I should say something.”

It happens in a store, restaurant, etc. Some people think that because someone is physically disabled, or advancing in age, they are cognitively impaired. “What is a polite but effective way to handle this behavior?”

In my caregiving days, mother and I rarely experienced bad manners. However, with my father, he preferred handing over the responsibility to his daughters. But to get answers for the reader, I queried the Elder Orphan Facebook group. Here’s what members had to say:

• “As a case manager, I found this to be a serious problem and made it a point to tell the doctor or staff that the person I was with was capable of answering questions, to please direct them to her. I was there for support, and to fill in the blanks.”

• “When they speak to me, I turn to my mom. ‘Mom, what do you think about such and such?’ They get the message, and it opens communication.”

• “It happened when I bought a car and my stepson tagged along. I told the sales guy that I was buying a car and he started talking to my stepson. When I walked away, he could not understand why. I just reminded him what I said when I came in. With a doctor or his staff, you don’t want to turn them off, so it is just better to start with, ‘I’m here to take notes while you talk to Mom/Dad.’”

• “As a nurse, so many family members interrupt or answer for the patient when my attention and questions are patient-directed. I will say gently, ‘Let’s hear what your mom has to say, then you can fill in the blanks.’”

• “If the medical professional is looking at me, I turn my gaze to my mother. The medical professional follows suit.”

• “They should speak to both parties. The more ears listening the better. And that is how I respond to the health care professional or sales clerk. I apply humor, and say, ‘She listens better than I do, ha-ha.’”

• “I say, ‘They’re asking about,’ so she can respond. I don’t take kindly to them ignoring her.”

• “I snap my fingers and say ‘Over here.’”

Carol Marak, is an aging advocate and editor at Seniorcare.com.