Today is St. Patrick’s Day and, as I usually do in this space, I fill it with some humor. We Irish can take a joke, so in honor of all the “chosen people” here are some jokes for today.

Mick and Paddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their first week in the capital and they were a bit naive.

“Lord above Paddy, this is a great city,” says Mick.

“Why’s that Mick?” responds Paddy.

“Well, to be sure,” explains Mick, “where else in the world would a complete stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and then offer you to spend the night at their house?”

“Begorrah,” splutters Paddy, “did that happen to you?”

“No,” says Mick, “but it happens to my beautiful sister all the time.”

• • •

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne’s pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O’Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, “You”re making out we”re all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.”

“I”m sorry sir, I …”

“Not you,” says O’Leary, “I”m talking to that little fella on your knee.”

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna, were talking about their sons.

Kate says, “My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

Lorna responds, “Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” says Kate, “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” announces Lorna, “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

• • •

Kieran O’Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

“Thank the Lord I wasn’t sleeping at the other end of the bed,” Kieran said to his friends in Donegal’s pub. “I would have blown my head off.”

• • •

Donncha and MacArthur are preparing to be blasted into space and have just left the mission briefing when one turns to the other and says, “Mac, where are we goin’?”

MacArthur replies, “Well Donncha, the man in charge said we are on a mission to the sun.”

“OK,” says Donncha, he thinks for a while and then asks, “Won’t it be a bit hot, it being the sun and all?”

“Don’t be stupid, Donncha,” says MacArthur, “the man said we’d be going at night.”

• • •

Paddy was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not, “A shure I’ll give it a go,” he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.

Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened. “What do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, “Sure I’m having me tea break,” replied Paddy, “And what do you work at?” asked the policeman, “Agh shure I deliver bridges!” smiled Paddy.

• • •

1st Irish Farmer: “My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.”

2nd Irish Farmer: “Did you shoot it in the hole?”

First Irish Farmer: “No, in the head.”

• • •

An Irishman, by the name of O’Malley, proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real. The young lass upon learning it wasn’t real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

“It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” he smiled.

“I gave you a sham rock.”

• • •

O’Malley was leaving his favorite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have? O’Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.

St. Peter decides to go easy on him, “What has five fingers and is made of black leather?” he asks. O’Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up. “It’s a glove,” says St. Peter.

Let’s try again. “What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?” asks St. Peter. O’Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O’Malley gives up. “Why it’s two gloves — don’t you see 10 fingers, black leather,” says St. Peter, amazed. Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O’Malley yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question.

“Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?” asks St. Peter, thinking he can’t miss this.

“It wouldn’t be three three gloves, would it?” says O’Malley.

• • •

Two Irishmen had just won $5,000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub, Tim says to Sean, “What about all them beggin’ letters?”

Sean replies, “We’ll just keep sending them.”

• • •

The local district judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of 10 shillings costs.

“Now don’t let me ever see your face again,” said the justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. “I’m afraid I can’t promise that, sir,” said the released man. “And why not?”

“Because I’m the barman at your regular pub!”

• • •

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin’ with the barkeep.

Another comes in and sits besides him. He says, “How you do?” and hears the lilt and says “You be Irish?”

“Yes I am.”

The first man yells, “Barkeep, give us another round and one for my friend here. He’s from the mother country as well.”

The second man asks, “So where in the old country ye from?”

“Dublin,” responds the first.

“Dublin you say — so am I.”

And the second man hollers. “Barkeep, bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish whiskey for me and my friend here.”

Afterward the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says “well I’ll be — so am I.”

He yells barkeep, “Another pair of beers and Irish whiskey for the pair of us.”

The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks, “How is business?”

The barkeep responds, “Not too bad. The O’Malley twins are here getting drunk again.”

Hope you enjoyed.