“Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed.”

And so it begins.

She’s Menu Momma, that prerecorded voice we all have to talk with from our phones when we need customer service.

Pour a cup of coffee. Sit down in your favorite chair and relax. This call is going to take awhile.

The following call to Menu Momma is based on a recent actual experience.

“Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.”

“From what? Do you think I call here every week? How would I know what you changed?”

“Press one to place an order.” She gives six choices. I press two for an existing order.

“Please say or type your nine-digit order number.”

“I don’t have it.”

“Sorry. I didn’t quite get that.”

“Customer service please.”

“Sorry. Let’s try this again. Please say or type your nine-digit order number.”

“CUSTOMER SERVICE PLEASE!” Now I’m raising my voice to a recording and saying, ”please.”

“OK. Let’s try another way. Spell your last name. For example, Jones would be J-o-n-e-s.”

“CUSTOMER SERVICE, PLEASE!”

“I understand you would like to speak to a customer service representative. Is that correct?”

“Yes!”

OK, but I’ll need further information. You can say, ‘I’m calling to exchange my item or the item was damaged when it was delivered.”

“I need to change the size and the color of a T-shirt. CUSTOMER SERVICE PLEASE!’

“Sorry, I didn’t get that. You can choose to go to ‘thiscompanystinks.com’ and click on returns and exchanges.”

So now I’m 10 minutes into the call and Menu Momma wants me to hang up and do all this on my computer. This proves this company doesn’t want to talk to me.

“CUSTOMER SERVICE, PLEASE!”

“OK. All of our representatives are busy with other customers. Please hold for the next available representative.”

Now comes music that sounds like it’s playing from underwater. Then comes an advertisement to buy more of their stuff. The irritating music and the ad repeat over and over at least a half a dozen times. I know they want me to lose my patience and hang up.

“All of our representatives are busy with other customers. For quicker service, go to mycompanystinks.com.” She repeats this three times followed by the same music and the same ad.

I’m now 25 minutes into the call and I’m panicking. Menu Momma is going to hang up on me, and I’ll have to start all over with this nonsense!

My son comes into the room. “How long have you been on the phone, Dad?”

“Forever,” I answer. “And now I have to go to the bathroom”

Suddenly, I hear a new sound on the phone. “This is Shakir. If you have to go to the bathroom, you can hang up and call us back.”

All I could understand from his heavy accent was, “hang up and call back.”

“No! No, I’m good,” I shout.

“OK, then, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?”

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m having trouble understanding you. Could you please repeat the question?”

“With whom am I speaking?”

I’m about to hand the phone to my son. Maybe he can understand this guy. I look around, but my son is nowhere to be seen, I decide to wing it.

“My name is Rich Strack. That’s S-t-r-a-c-k.

“Hello Mr. Stark. Do you have your order number?”

That’s Strack. S-t-r-a-c-k. No I don’t have my order number.”

“You said, “S-t-a-c-k? Stack or Struck?”

No, Strack. S-t-r-a-c-k. Rhymes with crack. Like in crack head.”

I’m 30 minutes into the call now and he probably thinks I’m a drug addict. Still having difficulty understanding him and he with me, I tell him my address.

“Did you say your city is Tim Tork?”

“No, it’s Jim Thorpe. I spell it out.

I have to spell out my email with words, too. ‘K as in kitten. A as in apple. T as in tomato. And so on.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “Was the last letter P as in potato?” I correct that. I finally get to tell him the size I want for the exchanged T-shirt. He reviews the order.

“Mr. Struck, is there anything else I can help you with today?”

“It’s a good thing I had nothing else to do, but call you.”

“Well, you have yourself a wonderful day and please stay on the line to complete our brief customer service survey.”

I’d rather swallow a hundred shards of glass than to spend one more second with this call.

Oh no! I realized I forgot to change the color of the T-shirt! I wouldn’t call Menu Momma back if you paid me $500.

Well maybe I would for $500, but you’d better show me the money first.

Now, I’m thinking of changing the recorded message on my phone.

“Please listen carefully as my menu options have recently changed. If you’d rather talk to the real living me, please hang up and try again later; otherwise, begin with the spelling of your last name. For example, Jones would be J-o-n-e-s.”

Rich Strack can be reached at katehep11@gmail.com.