There is a reason that "rocket launcher" is not an option on vehicles, and that reason is the school drop-off zone. This is the first year that I am regularly dealing with the school drop off, instead of having the kids take the bus.

It's amazing how what should be a simple process can make a person so crazy. I used to think that the boys' bedroom was where all order and sanity went to die, but I was wrong. It's the drop-off lane at school. What is it about this little stretch of parking lot that can turn the most calm, competent drivers into raging lunatics?Everyone's mission in life should be to get in and out of that area as fast and as safely as possible. I'm working with A to perfect a roll out, so that I can simply slow down, and he can jump out, and I barely have to stop the car. Granted, his ginormous bookbag, trumpet case, and lunchbox make this a little difficult, but I'm sure by Christmas, we'll get it down.The drop-off line is not the place for lengthy goodbyes. I like to leave my kid with a positive, upbeat message to get his day off to a good start, or shout out that spelling word that he keeps messing up one last time, but honestly, at that point, he's probably cringing over the mortification of me holding up the line than he is focused on getting his spelling word right, so it's best to just move on. Quickly.Then, there is always that kid who forgets his lunch bag. For some parents, this means dramatically slamming on the brakes, and jumping out of the car to run after Junior. I've threatened A that if he does forget a bag, I will make one more pass around the school, follow the entire drop-off protocol again, and I will whip the bag out the window as I pass by, and he'd better catch it. The day he forgets the trumpet case is probably going to end badly for both him and the trumpet.It is tempting to pull around the slowpokes in line, but doing that will upset the apple cart of the drop-off line, and you run the risk of hitting the random pedestrians that materialize out of nowhere. That doesn't stop people from trying to do it, though, and once someone does it, everyone else tries to jump ship, too. Unfortunately, this just creates more chaos.I've also discovered that traffic signs matter. I'll be the first to admit, since I was usually only at school after regular school hours, I found the seven or eight stop signs, seemingly randomly placed in the parking lots, annoying and confusing. But, after my first drive through of the drop-off line, the necessity of those signs became clear. On the flip side, if there are NOT stop signs in an area, drivers shouldn't stop either! I am thinking of one three-way intersection, in particular. Two of the routes have a stop sign, the third doesn't. Invariably, someone will stop at that third intersection that isn't marked, and allow the other two routes, that do have stop signs, to proceed.Here's the thing: there isn't a stop sign there, because it's a REALLY BAD place to stop. Sure, the first car may not have any problem, but that area serves as a funnel for several other routes, and stopping there puts a stop to all of them. The other two routes with stop signs are single routes, and can afford to take on a few cars. All it takes is one driver, who probably means well and is trying to be polite, to stop at that nonstop intersection, and it's all over. I can forget making it to Dunkin' Donuts for my coffee before I go to work. I'm going to be stuck in the funnel forever.The other critical sign is the one that says "Pull All the Way Forward."Yes, the sidewalk in front of the school is lengthy, and yes, pulling all the way to the end of the drop-off or being the last car in line does mean that your child is going to have to hike an extra 50 feet to get to the front door, but that's OK. They're young, they can handle the extra walking. Do not be that parent who will hold up the entire line, just so you can drop your child off directly in front of the building.Even if you're the only car in line at the moment, it doesn't hurt to pull all the way forward. The way I figure it, the kids are going to be spending the next 8 hours or so sitting at a desk. They should be happy to get all the exercise they can.A and I have been working out a plan to minimize my road rage and improve his timely exit from the car. As soon as we turn on to the school road, we double-check that he has all his bags. He has worked out a method that he can pick them all up with one sweep of his hand, as he's getting out of the car. Then, we quickly run through what his after-school plans are, if he has band practice, or if a club is meeting.Keeping my mind occupied with his schedule helps keep me from screaming at the wayward pedestrian who doesn't feel like using a cross walk. As we pass the bus drop off, we start saying our goodbyes, our "have a great days," and running the spelling words one more time. As soon as we turn the corner, the chit chat stops and A starts getting ready to roll. As soon as I stop, I yell GO! He jumps out of the car and heads in to school.It's not a perfect system yet, but until teleportation becomes a reality, and A can beam himself up to school, it will have to do.Liz Pinkey is a contributing writer to the Times News. Her column appears weekly in our Saturday feature section.