By liz pinkey

Scrolling through my Facebook feed a few weeks ago, an article caught my eye.The headline read, "This Vacuum Will Make You Believe in Magic Again."Stop the presses! I clicked on that in less than a heartbeat.As giddily as my teenage self would tear into Seventeen Magazine's promises of how to be a better kisser in three easy steps.My 20-something-self devoured Cosmopolitan's tips and tricks for landing Mr. Right, and my 30-something-self searched relentlessly for articles about how to get my baby to sleep.My 40-something self was desperately searching for magic in an appliance whose sole purpose is to suck up dirt. It's amazing how one's definition of "magic" can change.I admit, I read that article. Because, really, if my life can magically be changed by one household appliance, I'd be silly not to want more details. As I was reading, though, it became apparent that I was looking for more "David Copperfield makes the Statue of Liberty Disappear" kind of magic, than say, the "Got Your Nose" trick that cons most 2-year-olds.The promised vacuum cleaner magic turned out to be more of a droopy wand gag.It promised to be cordless, which, living in a house that was built long before electrical outlets came as a standard part of the home, would indeed be magical.Doing away with the elaborate snake of extension cords that I need to employ in order to reach every nook and cranny in the house would be a neat trick. However, I was still going to be stuck lugging an upright up and down three flights of stairs.I can also guarantee that the cordless battery would expire in the corner of the house farthest from the charging station, every single time I used it. With a price tag that I was sure was an optical illusion, purchasing one for each level of the house was out of the question.It promised to be bagless and "EZ CLEAN." I have news for the manufacturers of vacuum cleaners. I like the bag. The bag contained all of the mess, I opened the canister, and I threw it out. I was completely oblivious to the fact that I had just sucked up some integral part of a Lego set, or E's favorite hair tie. Now, the clear canister that I have to empty every five minutes gives me a clear view of all the important doodads that have mistakenly ended up in the vacuum cleaner, along with a weeks' worth of cat hair and dirt, and I feel obligated to dig through that mess to retrieve those items. GROSS.So, this was not a selling point for me. I'd much rather have the old fashioned bag that made everything, important or not, disappear.It also promised to "practically run itself." Now, I have contemplated purchasing a Roomba in the past; however, I've heard one too many stories about certain, nasty, wet messes getting sucked into a Roomba and spread all over the house.At this stage in our lives, we have too many incidents where someone eats half a Go-gurt and hides the rest of it under a chair for later. I don't need that spread everywhere by an overenthusiastic robot vacuum. So, unless some enchanted mice are going to show up and sing show tunes, and push this magical vacuum all over the house for me, while keeping vigilant for half eaten yogurt piles, I don't think much of that magic either.By the end of the article, I wasn't convinced. I think "magic" may have been an oversell. Then again, maybe I take a lot of my household magic for granted. Clothes go into a large box, I press a button, and 45 minutes later, shazam! I take clean clothes out. We wheel the garbage can out to the curb, and, abracadabra! The next morning, the garbage has disappeared.We all know about the elixir of life that comes from boiling magic beans in hot water: coffee! I know my kids think that dinner spontaneously appears on the table every evening, clearly another unexplained force at work.I decided to stick with my old, faithful vacuum cleaner. It is certainly no unicorn, but it gets the job done well enough. It may not be self-propelled, but I've discovered it can be kid-propelled, and that's almost the same thing in my book.When the house is clean, and we have time to relax, kick back and watch a movie, or go for a walk, or grab some ice cream, that's when the real magic does finally start to happen.Liz Pinkey is a contributing writer to the Times News. Her column appears weekly in our Saturday feature section.