Anything can be dipped in batter and deep-fried.

Agricultural fairs exist to show us how it's done.In a way, I've always wondered about the dichotomy of good old country fairs.We go there to look at things all natural, such as cows, chickens, canned fruit and handmade quilts.But while we're doing it, we eat things totally unnatural.I just had my annual visit to the Bloomsburg Fair and a taste of deep-fried heaven and deep-fried Hades.Deep-fried pickles? Yuk.Another popular item this year was the deep-fried Oreo. Not bad at all.But my choice as the most flavorful, unhealthy goody was batter-dipped, deep-fried pumpkin roll. It was delicious. Same for the pumpkin funnel cake, which, of course, was deep-fried.The food is so fat-filled that it's easy to develop a guilt complex at the fair.Still, it doesn't hurt to pig out once a year.And speaking of pigs, the fair also offered chocolate-dipped bacon. I avoided it, partly because it sounds awful and partly because others who tried it told me it tasted horrid.Instead, I bought a chocolate-dipped banana coated with peanuts.Of course, everyone was doing it. I'm not the only one who went to the fair and ate things clearly on the no-no list.For penance, I walked up and down every aisle, putting almost six miles on the pedometer. Doing so made me feel less guilty about indulgences. But deep down I know I did wrong.I'm not sure what the antidote is for a visit to the fair. And what do you do when you feel your arteries hardening on your drive back home?Maybe the answer is to double up on the cholesterol pills.And definitely keep your culinary indiscretions a secret. Don't say a word about it at your next medical visit. Never admit to eating fair food.When your annual blood test reveals all of your internal organs are coated in overused corn oil, you've got to come up with a fib.Just tell your doctor you've been living exclusively on steamed broccoli and sassafras seeds.Your doc won't believe you, but at least the explanation demonstrates good intent.I also visited some of the special exhibits inside Ag Hall.In fact, the very first vegetable on display was an award-winning pumpkin.It weighed 814 pounds and took second place in competition. Turns out it was grown by the same Lehighton-area guy who often wins the top honor.He's Carbon County's Great Pumpkin Man, Maynard Serfass. Maynard is a remarkable guy who takes after his father. I know this because Maynard is my cousin.I'm not sure how Maynard manages to grow Godzilla pumpkins every year. But he's able to do it. The good news is that his pumpkin is too large to be batter-dipped and deep-fried. So it's safe from all of us oil-soaked zombies who lurk at the fair.Finally, the fair included an entire section devoted to spas and Jacuzzis.Every manufacturer was there trying to sell bubbling hot tubs.They're large, colorful, and some have lights and even music to go with the sizzling, churning water.But to me, they looked like human deep-fryers, so I walked away.Next year, I might open my own concession at the fair.I'll be selling Rolaids and Tums. I might even deep-fry them in a Maalox batter.Be sure to stop by and bring your appetite.